we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
