I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
