I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
