I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
