I never want to see another naked old woman again.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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