I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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