The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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