Soap is not a condiment
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
my shit smells like andre
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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