I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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