She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
