my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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