when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.