don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
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u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
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I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!