my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.