6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
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sorry about calling you the devil all night.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
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I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.