I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
