Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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