so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
time to smoke my breakfast
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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