Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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