I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
