well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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