i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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