I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
