I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
