this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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