god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
