Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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