why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
