hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
