i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
