I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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