You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
