You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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