In America we eat man semen.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
