it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
