He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
