Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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