I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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