Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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