John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
