He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
