there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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