I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
