soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
time to smoke my breakfast
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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