I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
This is the high leading the old right now
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
