Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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