I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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