If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
