so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
