dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
