I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
