he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
