It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
