Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
