if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
