I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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