I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
