my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
we're making bets on your personal life
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
