you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
