omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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